Every once in a while, I’ll be blogging stand-up comedy material I have been working on in a recurring featured I call “New Stuff.” You’ll get to see new material as it develops. Once this gets worked out on stage, I’ll upload a video of me performing it and you’ll be able to see how my material progresses over time.
I was reading a travel guide and discovered that the word “gift” is German for “poison.”* Which is great, because I needed another reason to be afraid of Germans.
German (with accent): “We’re sorry about what happened 60 years ago. We’d like to offer you a gift.” Wait, are you coming around or tricking us again?
The most common word in the English language is “the,” the definitive article. The Germans have two words for “the,” “der” and “die.” That means that the second most common word in the German language is die.** How did we not see the Holocaust coming? The average German says “die” six million times a day! Who knew each one was an individual threat?
Recently at a comedy club, I was hanging out with a group of German women who had just seen me perform. We’re hanging out right near where my headshot is hanging and it has my name written out at the bottom. One of the girls sees it and asks me, “Oh, Greenbaum! That’s a German name, right?” To which I responded, “Actually, it is. It was Gruenbaum. My grandfather was German and they changed it when he came to America.” Then she says, “Really? Why did he leave?”
Really? You don’t know why my grandfather had to leave the country? It couldn’t be because they tried to murder him and his family, right?
So I gave her a gift.
* That’s totally true. In fact, it’s a bit of a problem in Germany, especially around Christmas time, because Americans sending packages over to Germany sometimes right “GIFT” all over their parcels, which, as you can imagine, can be the cause of much concern in their post offices.





